Sometimes We Learn the Most from Failure

I once had a client who saw this life as a prison, a hell he'd been sentenced to for some horrible crime in a past life. Any happiness was fleeting, a mere illusion before something awful destroyed it and triggered the next wave of despair. He believed that to feel joy was to invite sorrow, so he chose to live in constant gloom.

He resisted change, and it was a challenge to help him.

I tried to help. He got a few insights to look at his situation differently. But unlike most of my clients, he didn't have a major breakthrough or immediate reduction in negative feelings.

I took on the weight of his resistance, feeling responsible for his refusal to change. What could I have done differently to help him to break through his destructive and negative worldview?

But then I realized, it wasn't my burden to bear.

Not my circus, not my monkeys

My role is to offer tools for change, to support and guide. But the choice to change? That's on my clients.

By accepting this, I took ownership of my responsibility. I focused on what I could control, on doing my job to the best of my ability.

And you know what? I became better at it.

I learned to identify those who may not benefit from my approach early on. Instead of trying to force a change they weren't ready for, I would suggest they find a different method that suits them.

That let me devote my time and attention to the people I could help the most.

Blame versus giving up control

This isn't about shifting blame. I didn’t blame my client for his unwillingness to change. Maybe, if I was a more experienced coach, I’d have better tools to address this particular block.

It's about owning outcomes and responsibility. As Jocko Willink says in 𝐸𝑥𝑡𝑟𝑒𝑚𝑒 𝑂𝑤𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑝, "The leader is truly and ultimately responsible for everything."

Part of responsibility is knowing what lies outside of your control. You can still be responsible, by putting systems in place to ensure that portion of your process is handled to your standards.

There are parts of the block dissolving process I can't control. So, I need to exert more control over the parts I can, like the intake process. By ensuring that anyone I take on as a client is not resisting change, I can make sure I have the tools and skills needed to help them.

How you can improve responsibility handling

You can do this too. Here are three ways to improve your handling of responsibility:

1. Identify what you can control and focus on that.
   We used to have a phrase when I worked at IBM - added responsibility without added authority. This is when you’re made responsible for a project or deliverable, but have no authority to ensure that the project or deliverable gets done. It breeds guilt and frustration. You have to be able to recognize the parts of something you have control over, and the parts that are in someone else’s control.

2. Don’t carry the weight of others’ choices.
   Someone that you are relying on may choose not to do something the way you want it done. Or, they may choose not to do it at all. Their choice is outside of your control. All you can do is try to set things up so that they choose the way you want, and that you have sufficient contingency plans in place to address issues. One of the shopping plazas near where I used to live stipulated in the lease agreements that all signs had to be made by the brother-in-law of the property developer. He was a terrible sign maker. The successful businesses allowed time for multiple test prints of signs.

3. Accept that you cannot change others.
   Your role is to enable others to do their tasks. And to do yours to the best of your ability. If there’s an obvious mismatch between person and task, work around it, and offer the ability to grow. But if that person chooses not to grow, don’t waste your time trying to force change.

Remember, as Winston Churchill said, "The price of greatness is responsibility."

If you want to become truly great, and bring your visions to life, you’ll need to start by becoming responsible. For everything having to do with that vision.

Ready to become responsible for your life? Book a discovery call today. Let's navigate the path to change together.

Top 3 Blocks Dissolved This Week

1. Guilt - removed “you are responsible for managing others’ emotions”

2. String of disasters - removed “your role is to suffer”

3. Lack of romantic connection - removed “taking on the pain of the world”

Today’s inspirational words are the flip side of taking responsibility for external outcomes. This quote by American poet, essayist, and social justice warrior Adrienne Rich recognizes that what we do arises out of what we think.

Therefore, if we want to have responsibility for what we do, we must take responsibility for what we think. And she further reminds us that this is not easy, but it is necessary.

You can control your thoughts. You can control your actions. You can be responsible for everything that is within your control.

That leads to both success and your greatness.

To your greatness!

Jennifer Dunne, Caribbean Compassion Coaching