Lessons from a Zen Teacher

Do you have self-control or self-mastery?

When you exercise self-control, you are 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗮𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗴 your existence. And not just managing. You are 𝗺𝗶𝗰𝗿𝗼-𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗮𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗴 your existence.

You know how awful it feels to work under a micro-manager. No matter what you do, you’re doing it wrong. Or you have to justify why you’re doing it that way. Or spend more time documenting and “memorializing” what you’ve done than you did doing it in the first place.

Why would you want to do that to your own life?

What is self-control?

“But wait,” I hear you say. “I don’t want to be an out-of-control toddler!”

You’re right. Self-control is something that children develop to allow them to interact with the world more easily. The idea of taking turns, of eating your vegetables now so you get dessert later, and of not running screaming through a room when your parents are trying to talk are all aspects of self-control that show a child is developing maturity.

According to experts in psychology, there are three areas of self-control:

• Impulse control

• Emotional control

• Movement control

If you’re a kid, these behaviors are obvious. But what if you’re an adult?

Impulse control

You know what lack of impulse control looks like in a toddler. They want to do everything now. Toddlers grab things that look interesting and throw those things on the floor when they’re not interested anymore. They hit their sibling with a toy when the sibling tries to play with it.

You’ve obviously got some impulse control if you made it to adulthood.

Without 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝘂𝗹𝘀𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗹, you don't think before acting. What does that look like after the toddler stage?

👿 You 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗰𝗿𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗲, since something else seems more interesting.

👿 You're 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘄𝗲𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘂𝗻𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗹𝘁𝗵𝘆, because that donut looks tasty!

👿 You blurt out what you think, 𝗱𝗮𝗺𝗮𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽𝘀 at home and work.

Emotional control

You know exactly how a baby feels. If they’re happy, they smile and giggle. If they’re upset, they cry. Figuring out why they’re upset might be challenging, but it usually just involves going down the list of usual suspects.

Unless you are a reality television star, as an adult, you don’t share every little feeling that flits through you. But there’s more to emotional control than that.

With no 𝗲𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗹, you overreact to everything.

😡 You 𝗳𝗹𝘆 𝗼𝗳𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗹𝗲 when someone upsets you.

😡 You 𝗰𝗿𝘆 𝗼𝗿 𝗾𝘂𝗶𝘁 at minor difficulties or setbacks.

😡 You are 𝗰𝗿𝘂𝘀𝗵𝗲𝗱 by any criticism.

Have you ever been accused of acting like a diva? Or gotten into physical arguments that you later regretted? The issue is emotional control.

Movement control

With no 𝗺𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗹, your body has a mind of its own.

👹 You 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀 by fidgeting or jiggling your legs.

👹 You 𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝗮𝗰𝗰𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀 by moving too quickly.

👹 You 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗿𝘂𝗽𝘁 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 with outbursts. 

Once you get through your teen years, even the most active among us usually settle down. Or find an outlet for their energy that lets them be more still the rest of the time. Because otherwise, lack of movement control causes difficulties.

The cost of control

With all of those negatives for lack of control, self-control sounds like a 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴, right?

𝗡𝗼𝘁 𝘀𝗼 𝗳𝗮𝘀𝘁...

It’s not as simple as control=good, lack-of-control=bad.

• That impulse control can come at the cost of 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴.

• Emotional control can come at the cost of 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗳𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀.

• Movement control can come at the cost of being 𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗶𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝗻𝗳𝗹𝗲𝘅𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲.

Even worse, all that 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗹 𝗿𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗶𝗿𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹𝗽𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿.

At the end of the day, you're 𝗿𝘂𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗹𝗼𝘄 on willpower. So, you get home from work, and:

👿 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆 𝘃𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗼 𝗴𝗮𝗺𝗲𝘀 instead of working on your side hustle

😡 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗸𝗶𝗱𝘀 and blow up when your spouse protests

👹 are restless and unable to relax at bedtime, so you 𝗰𝗮𝗻'𝘁 𝘀𝗹𝗲𝗲𝗽

If you're relying on self-control, you're 𝗱𝗼𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗳𝗮𝗶𝗹𝘂𝗿𝗲. 

The self-mastery option

I was talking to a college friend who has been teaching zen Buddhism for the last 20 years. He was pretty mellow when I knew him in school, but now he’s seriously chill.

The idea of self-mastery is to release your attachment to judgments of good and bad. To all judgments, actually. You just view what is, as what is.

I was asking about how that worked. If you offer me ice cream, I know I prefer chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. If you give me sweet corn ice cream (a home town specialty), it will be good. But I won’t enjoy it as much as cookie dough.

Does self-mastery mean I shouldn’t enjoy cookie dough? Or not have a preference for one flavor over another?

Not at all! It means that you are not tied to hopes and regrets. You don’t wish for ice cream when it’s not there, or wish for a flavor that is not being offered. You don’t regret eating the ice cream because of how many calories were in it, or because it wasn’t as good as a different flavor might have been.

Instead, you see what needs to be done. And you do it. Then it’s done, and something else needs to be done. And you do it. This includes eating, resting, socializing, and all the other things that make a balanced life.

Without attachment to any of them. No one activity is better than another. Whether it’s having dinner with friends at a 5-star restaurant, or cleaning the cat box, you are in the moment, doing what needs to be done.

Self-mastery versus self-control

If you had 𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳-𝗺𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿𝘆, instead of micromanaging negative desires and emotions, those negative desires and emotions would 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 arise in the first place.

When you have 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝘂𝗹𝘀𝗲 𝗺𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿𝘆:

• You 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗴 𝗴𝗮𝗺𝗲, making small efforts that compound.

• You 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀' points of view, needs, and attitudes.

• You know words have weight, so 𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗮𝗸 𝗱𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗯𝗲𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗹𝘆.

When you have 𝗲𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗺𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿𝘆:

• You feel the emotion, but 𝗹𝗲𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘀 before reacting

• You view temporary setbacks as 𝗼𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁𝘂𝗻𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗲𝘀 for learning

• You use feedback and criticism to 𝗲𝗻𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲

When you have 𝗺𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗺𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿𝘆:

• You 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗰𝘂𝘀 on important people and information

• You 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗲 of people and things in your surroundings 

• You can guide the flow of conversations and 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗹 𝗺𝗲𝗲𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀

If self-control is being a micro-manager of thoughts and feelings, self-mastery is like 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗮𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮 𝘁𝗲𝗮𝗺 𝗼𝗳 𝘀𝘂𝗽𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘀. You give them what they need and 𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝘄𝗮𝘆. 

It's easy, effortless, and 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗱𝘂𝗰𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗺𝗮𝘇𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘂𝗹𝘁𝘀. 

If you want to live your ideal life, 𝗱𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗹𝗼𝗽 𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳-𝗺𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿𝘆.

Top 3 Blocks Dissolved This Week

1. Low motivation - removed “you must be perfect to be loved”

2. Guilt over husband’s illness - read the case study

3. Broken commitments - removed “didn’t want to be born”

Since the main article in this issue talks about zen Buddhism, I wanted to take a quote from a direction that is about as completely opposite as possible. The highly competitive world of sports.

This quote comes from Wes Fesler, a college football hall-of-famer who turned down the NFL to become a coach. He later quit one of his coaching jobs because, to his way of thinking, they put too much emphasis on winning. In other words, they had attachment.

Regardless of the playing field of your endeavors, whether they are sports, business, social media, or the arts, you will do better to get rid of attachment to the outcome.

See what needs to be done. Do it. Repeat.

To your self-mastery!

Jennifer Dunne, Caribbean Compassion Coaching